It's 11:00 Christmas Eve night and I'm not at church. Jen called when I was getting ready to leave and said that she'd just gotten home and the roads were ice. So here I am, thwarted by Mother Nature.
I've done really well with the Christmas season this year. I've looked forward to and enjoyed it for the first time since you left and forgot to take me with you. At least, I have until 6:15 tonight. Then the whole emotional thing hit me all at once. So I've cried at bit, and there is probably more to come. This is my third Christmas without you. Like everything else in this widow-world that I find myself in, it doesn't get normal but it does get better. It seems to me that grief never ends, never goes away; you just learn to live more comfortably with it as time goes on. But there are periodic exacerbations when you feel like it all happened yesterday and suddenly you can't breathe. I'm having one of those tonight.
So I will cry myself to sleep, and I'll feel better in the morning. Tomorrow I'll get up and bake cookies and wrap presents for the family Christmas at 2:00. I will be happy and grateful for my family that loves me. I will be alright - just not tonight. As Karen Carpenter sang, "I've just one wish on this Christmas Eve. I wish I was with you."
Come get me soon?