Monday, January 26, 2015

Mixed-Up Confusion

Dear John,
With due credit to Bob Dylan, "I've got mixed-up confusion, and it's a-killing me." Come with me while I wander around in the back of my head for awhile.
I finally have a single friend my own age, and it's really good. That friend happens to be male, and that puts some wrinkles in the situation. For example, when we had lunch together last week we went to Goshen in order to avoid giving Topeka too much to talk about. And there's a wrinkle that I didn't anticipate: doing things with a male friend is making me miss you so, so much more.
Maybe it just underlines the fact that you're not here and I'm not doing things with you. Doing things with anybody else can never be like it would be with you - that's obvious. I didn't expect going places with a friend to make the grieving get so bad again. I don't have it all figured out yet - that's obvious. I'm working on it, and would appreciate any insight you could share with me. I feel like I'm back in the grief of the first six months.
That last paragraph was a nightmare. Sorry. I can't seem to make it better, so I'll just leave it. I suppose it demonstrates my state of mind. I can't get a handle on feelings or paragraphs.
This isn't pleasant, but I will weather the storm. I won't let it keep me from making friends and having a social life. That would be more comfortable right now, but wouldn't be healthy or comfortable in the long run. I also won't judge, blame, or should myself. I'll let myself feel whatever I feel. Being me, I'll observe and analyze it, and I'll probably keep coming to you to talk about it. You always have understood me better than I understood myself.
If you can, please come and talk to me about this tonight. I need your wisdom. Aw, heck. I just need you! How is the Skype project coming along? I'm ready on this end. Or you could just come and get me - that would be okay, too.
Love you more than life,

1 comment:

  1. A "friend" will understand. It is OK. Enjoy the company!