"The Long Year Remembers You"

Dear John,

 

I think I figured something out. I've been very sad for a few days and have had no idea why. This afternoon it was sunny and I could hear birds singing, and I suddenly wanted to go to the rehab hospital and see you. Then I understood why these days have been hard. It's because you can tell that spring is coming, and you died in the spring.

 

It isn't the date on the calendar this time. It's the change of seasons. The days are getting longer - it was light so early this morning that I was worried that I was late for work. There's still plenty of snow on the ground, but the birds are coming back and the air has that different feel to it. Three years ago you were rehabbing when spring came. I remember taking pictures of the flowering trees and bushes and showing them to you.

 

When I realized this, my mind immediately went to Millay: I miss him in the weeping of the rain; I want him at the shrinking of the tide. Will spring always make me sad? I don't know. I can only say that I miss you now; there is a hole where you used to be and I miss you like hell. She always says it best. The long year and I remember you.

 

Come for me soon?

Joan.