Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Pain of the Calendar

Dear John,
 
I've been pondering this calendar issue. Several of us are struggling with painful dates - not the dates that grow on trees, but the ones that show up on the calendar. These holidays and anniversaries are hard for us.
 
The hardest part of the year for me is the month or so coming up to the anniversary of your death. The first year was hard, but the second was so much worse. And, being me, I'm trying to figure out why. I remember being so glad that all of the "firsts" were over. I had the na├»ve concept that the second everything-without-you would be easier. And maybe the end of the second year was so hard because I'd discovered that the second Christmas-birthday-anniversary-Valentines Day-New Years Day weren't appreciably easier than the first ones. By the end of the second year I had learned that grief isn't something that you get over; it's something that you learn to live with. It's the knowledge of unendingness that's so daunting and discouraging.
 
Well, thank goodness we're none of us doing this alone. As long as we can remind each other that grief isn't linear and orderly, and smack each other when we start to should ourselves, we will be okay. We walk through the calendar together. And that is good. I know you and the rest of the guys are outside of time now, but do remember that we aren't. Do nice things for us when these painful dates come along. Visit us and plan fun things to do. Let us know that you still love us. Remind us that this separation is temporary. And, for goodness sake, get the Skype situation settled!
 
Love you more every day,
Joan.

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