Thursday, March 26, 2015

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Superwidow!

Dear John,
 
The taxes are done. They were easy this year. Next year they'll be downright boring. I have a completely irrational sense of accomplishment for doing them all by myself. After all, I taught you how to do them years and years ago. They were simple then; they're almost that simple again.
 
From the Revenue Service point of view, I live a very simple life. I suppose it's pretty uncomplicated from any vantage point. I go to work, pay the mortgage, have health insurance through work, pay my pledge at church, and that's about it as far as they're concerned. Next year I'll get a tax break for the new furnace. This year I got a break for the five months I was on Marketplace insurance. And that's it. Easy tax returns.
 
It's been an illuminating week for me. I've dealt with an on-the-job injury, gotten a new furnace, done my taxes, and done it all comfortably. I've feeling more competent and confident than I have since you died. Most of it is just the passage of time. Part of it is that I have a job that is building my self-confidence. But most of it I owe to you and Mama - to her for bringing me up to be this way, and to you for liking me like this and always having more faith in me than I did in myself. You wanted a strong, capable, independent woman. And I thank you for that.

I remember how many times that last year that you told me I'd be just fine without you. I don't think "just fine" is at all accurate, but I think I am in the sense that you meant. You never thought I'd be okay emotionally; you knew better. But you knew that I'd manage in every other way, and you were right. It's taken me three years to get my feet under me and feel like I can handle things. The dust is settling and life has predictable patterns. I have enough physical, financial, and emotional reserves to handle the unexpected things like falling on my face at work and having a new furnace installed. I'm not so afraid anymore.

None of that means that I miss you any less or don't want to join you as soon as possible. But Jen still won't let me dig and the animals continue to need me. It appears that I will be here for a while. It does mean that you're not to worry about me - I have a wonderful infrastructure and support network. Don't stop visiting me in my dreams. And keep working on Heaven's Skype connection!

Your Superwidow loves you super amounts,
Joan.

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