Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Report Card Corollary: The Future

Dear John,
 
I actually closed the windows last night. Jethro woke me up at midnight needing to go out, and it was a bit too chilly even for me. So I closed them and turned on the heat but before I left for work I opened them again. We're expecting storms tonight so I have them open just a little at the top.
 
I realized something this afternoon. Besides being happy, I am beginning to look forward to my future. I've come a long way from only being able to deal with the future to the point of getting the bills paid on time. But I find myself looking forward to all kinds of things - your family's visit next month, my vacation in June, having more vacation days next year and maybe going to the beach. And I'm excited about yard-and-gardening season, and maybe taking a day and going to Lake Michigan this summer. I'm even thinking about what I'd like to do when I retire, which is probably at least ten years away. 
 
Looking to the future . . .
I'm looking forward with hope. And I am amazed; this is something else that I never thought would happen. The only explanation I have is the passage of time. I do seem to be getting accustomed to my life as it is now. I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have my old life back. But, as that is not an option, I seem to be living more constructively and healthily with what I have.
 
All of this sounds normal but feels very strange. I suppose things have been so abnormal for so long that normal feels odd. I feel a little like a new-born colt, all head and legs and trying to figure out what to do with them. I'm feeling a little uncertain as I move through these new emotions in a new landscape where I don't yet have my bearings. And I know well that widowhood is non-linear, so part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
 
But, for today, I'm happy and content. I'm trying to do what I've been doing for the past three years - let myself feel whatever I feel and not should myself. I'll receive these good days with gratitude and let them be what they are. And when bad days come, as I know they will, I'll receive them, too.
 
That's all that's new, just me crawling around in the back of my head and exploring. I'm usually surprised by what I find there. Today it was something good.
 
Love you with all my heart,
Joan.
 


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