Sunday, December 13, 2015

On Depression & Disorientation

Dear John,
 
I'm depressed and disoriented. It's been a nasty day.
 
First, as to the disorientation. It's been in the 60s outside, so of course the windows are open. I believe this is the first time I've ever had the Christmas tree up and the windows open at the same time. This morning I woke up to the sound of birds singing. It smells like spring. This doesn't make it any easier to get in the mood for Christmas. I have no idea how people in the southern hemisphere do it.
 
And then there's the depressed part. It's Christmas. Again. Without you. I do not like this at all. I've tried to get into the Christmas spirit, whatever that means. We have Christmas music playing at work all day; after over nine hours of it, I want to shoot out the speakers. Today I watched the Patrick Stewart Christmas Carol, thinking that would get me in the mood if anything would. It didn't. Nothing. The house is decorated, the cards are ready, and almost all of the gifts are made. And I can't wait for all of it to be over.
 
I'm trying to separate secular Christmas from the Feast of the Nativity of Christ, and I'm finding that listening to the secular music all day at work is making that more difficult that usual. And I still struggle with the happy-family ideal that secular Christmas holds up. it makes it harder for those of us who are alone. I wish I could stay home and keep away from secular Christmas completely. But I do have to work. Somebody has to pay for the dog and cat food.
 
I am the anomaly here; I don't expect the world the cater to me. I will survive. And on Christmas Eve night I'll go to church and leave everything else behind. I'll forget Frosty and Rudolp and Grandma getting run over by the reindeer, and come in awe before what is real. Until then, I could use your prayers. Deliver me from empty sentimentality, consumerism, and noise! Help me to find silence, awe, wonder, and gratitude. Regardless of the weather.
 
And all of this struggle is because you forgot to take me with you.
 
Adore you,
Joan.

1 comment:

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