Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Four-Year Report Card

Dear John,
It's been four years today - four years for you in Heaven, and four for me here on my own. Does it feel like four years to you? But that's a silly question, since you live outside of time and all. For me, sometimes it feels like last week and sometimes it seems a lifetime ago. I guess most life-changing events make you feel that way.
I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you're healed and whole now, with no pain or struggle anymore. You're where sin and suffering and death can no longer touch you. You're home. And I'm so glad. Just living had become so hard for you. I know you hadn't felt good in a long, long time. It makes me happy to know that you feel good now.
For me, I miss you so much, but I'm happy now. It's odd - I always knew that, since God did this, it was what was best for both of us. But, since "best" doesn't necessarily mean pleasant or comfortable, I didn't expect to ever experience pleasure or comfort again. But God is good, and we are resilient creatures. And my Mama taught me to always find the good in things. I'd much rather have you, but there are good things in my life that wouldn't be here if you were. I love my job, and I've grown a lot learning something so completely new at my age. I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks. I've made new friends. And I have - or rather, Jethro has - three cats, and I love them a completely ridiculous amount. I've grown, having to be on my own. I've learned to be independent in new ways, managing the money and yard and house by myself. I'm still me, but I'm a different me. I'm stronger and gentler and more compassionate. And those are good things.
So today I've been evaluating the person I've become in these four years, and I see some good things. That shouldn't be surprising, God being Who He is and all. There is joy in my life now, and gratitude. It has also occurred to me that this is probably the first anniversary that you've been happy with how I'm doing. It makes me feel good to make you happy.
Miss you,